Let there be Fish!

F is for Fish!


That is all.

Foot Stabbings rise 2000% in Many States

Reports are pouring in from states all over the country especially Florida, Wisconsin and Ohio regarding individuals stabbing themselves in the foot.

Hospitals have had to hire additional staff to keep up with the influx of normally atypical injuries, but with budget cuts, have had people laying on cots in hallways with their feet bolstered up with pillows until they can be seen.

Thanks in part to health care reform, individuals who did not have health insurance will not be turned away.  "Some of these folks would have lost their foot due to infection if they could not be taken care of, and sadly, all of them voted for representatives who then voted against the health care bill - it seems they've seen the light." said Dr. Thicknese Ankles from Mercy General.  "I hope this in an indication that ties have been cut from their Republican parasitic hosts."

"In a way, we hope this influx continues, perhaps the sleeping masses have started to awaken." A Doctor who wishes to remain anonymous fearing his job.  'We will continue to do our best, we always do."

Shape Change of Currency too Expensive " Dept of Treasury"

Since the Americans With Disabilities Act (ADA) was passed in 1990, changes have been made from Disney World, and your car, to elevators, doors, and bank tellers just to name a few.   Though color changes have been happening for some time, that does not help the over 4 million Americans in need of further assistance.

"We have been discriminated against more years than I care to explain, there is no reason why this small concession has not happened yet." Complained Amber Black, a visually impaired member of C.O.D. Change Our Dollars group that has been petitioning for decades. 
  
Just about every other country in the world has had different size bills for decades, the US is one of only countries who has not changed the sizes.  Even as recent as 2009 has legislation dragged it's feet in this situation even though it has already been deemed discriminatory.  Though color changes have been happening for some time, that does not help the over 4 million Americans in need of further assistance.

Richard McMallard a manager in the Dept of Treasury talked to us about this subject.

R&L - It seems like it would be easy to change, why hasn't this happened yet?
RM - True, changes to the currency  have already happened, do you like the state quarters? the New Nickles? The new Pennies?
R&L - Yes, they're fun to collect, but you know that's not what we're talking about.
RM - Ah, the bills, they have changed too.  Now, if you had bad eye sight you can really see the presidents face on the bill! 
R&L - Mr. McMallard, please.
RM -Not only that we hired a famous engraver and added beautiful colors as well.
R&L - Richard, Dick...
RM - Richie, please.  Look, we added the Sacajawea dollar coin, even changed all the vending machines to accept them.  The cost of that change - millions.  And, do any on you have one on you now? Even one?
(Everyone took a minute to look in pockets and purses)
R&L - Um, no. But one of our sons has a few in his collection.  They're just too heavy and pretty to carry around.
RM - Thank you, any other questions? I'm a busy man.
R&L - Just a minute, you never actually answered our question about the sizes of the US paper money denominations.
RM - I thought we went over that. Sorry.  Right, we have many different proposed changes to the size and texture of the new bills, here is the latest:
(He walked us into a small room behind a key coded locked door that said "Authorized personnel Only")
Inside the room was a large Italian man sitting behind a desk, he was playing solitaire on his computer until he saw us. 
RM - Hiya Vinnie, mind if we go in?
Vinnie - (Eyeing each of us) Go ahead, they're still there.
RM - This is where we keep the new bills.
The room was crowded with items on shelves.  An entire shelf of what looked like prohibition era liquor, posters from unions past and present, Photos of what looked like UFO's, and stacks and stacks of binders labeled EPA, Exxon, Bridges & Tolls etc.  It was...a scary place to be.
RM - Vinnie here like to collect...funnny items, and since this job seems to have passed from his father to him, he didn't bother cleaning it out
R&L - The Money?
RM - Yes, it's here.  We have plans to go ahead with size changes just as soon as the money is in the budget for new printing and pressing machines, it's a huge operation, you can't just change plates like we do now.
R&L  - And the money will be added to the budget when?
RM - It was supposed to be 10 years ago, and then 9/11 funds pulled it.
R&L  - And now?
RM - Right, um, Republicans have put a freeze on spending, this got cut as well.
R&L - And the last 10 years?
RM - I wasn't in charge then, sorry.  But I assure you, things will change, here, here's a compilation of what the bills will look like.  You have to go now, thank you.
R&L - Thank you, and...have a good day.
R&L - Wait, Dick..er Richie, this is the new design?  You paid someone to design this?
RM - Yes, A lot of money
R&L - But it's only Photoshopped current currency, no changes at all! We could have done a better job than this!
RM - Put it in writing and give it to my secretary, she'll take care of it.  I really have to go now.


Money, it all comes down to money it seems.  Who has it, who makes is, and who has the right to spend it.  Currently, it seems, it's in good hands - As long as the "bills" are paid.

Woman Tattoos Sextuplets to Tell Them Apart

BIRMINGHAM, AL
A failed apprentice tattoo artist in Alabama who just recently had sextuplets has tattooed her childrens' foreheads.  When approached by both social services and the media as to why she has done such a thing to her precious infants she merely replied "I just couldn't tell them apart, and since they were all crying anyway, I thought it wouldn't hurt."

The woman, who at this interview requested we use the name "Annie S Scratcher"  answered a few questions for us:

R&L - We see you live in a pretty small place, and the babies are in drawers lined with pillows and blankets, do you think this is the best for your children?
ASS -  Sure, why not? They are safe, they ain't goin' anywhere. The dogs ain't even allowed in this room.  Plus a double wide is plenty big for us.
R&L - Besides yourself, who helps you take care of these children?
ASS - Tons of kin come by every day, Bobbie and her kids from the next lot over come in in the mornings, I have my aunts and their kids come in a lunch time, and my husband comes home from work around 5 to help with the evenings.  Not to mention the old folks across the lot check on us every couple of days and count the babies just to make sure we didn't decide to feed them to Allie.
R&L - Allie?
ASS - Yeah, Allie the gator who lives in the pond - it's just a running joke, don't worry.
R&L - OK, so Gators notwithstanding, we have to ask, what the hell were you thinking when you tattooed your poor childrens' foreheads??
ASS - Dam, why is everyone making such a big deal of that, it's tiny dots, like on a pair of dice, so small and in their hair line so when their hair grows in no one will see it.  How is worse than getting a girls ears pierced at this age?  If you ask me, that's cruel.
R&L - You could have put different hats on them, or clothes, or bracelets... any number on non-marring, non-abusive markings.
ASS - I thought I went through this with Social Services already, God dammit, who the hell do you think you are coming into my house...
R&L - Sorry, just what were you thinking?
ASS - If they are all in the clothes God gave them, how the hell am I suppose to tell them apart,  This way, I know exactly.  They will learn their names, and everyone else will know who they are too.  Plus, when I was training to be a tattoo artist I got a machine and just never really used it, it was clean and all just sitting there.
R&L - That's an understatement.  Training?
ASS  - Yep, I was an apprentice at the joint down the street, but I could never get the hang of it, they said it would be better if I chose another career choice.
R&L - Ah, we see.  Well, thank you for your time, gotta run.

And with that, we left.  Quickly.  It is not our place to comment on others living conditions, but as far as the tattooing goes, we were astonished, disgusted, intrigued and frankly - speechless.  It is not up to us to make a judgment call, but certainly our job to report it...to you.

FOLLOW-UP:  Just before this article went to print we found out that Annie's children were being used as pawns in a gambling ring.  Though we don't know the details, we were told it had something to do with pushing the drawers around the floor and seeing which numbers came up.

Lifetime Student dies with 3.7 million dollar Student Debt

It would have been hard to find another single person who was more book smart than Gerald Longfellow B.S., B.A. (4), B.F.A., M.A. (3) M.B.A., Ph.D. (2) (1920 - 2011).  Getting back from WWII Gerald decided he was going to school since working in the kitchen was the last thing he ever wanted to do again.  In 1944 he enrolled in his first degree program, and, in 2009 received his final degree.  When he died in January he was working on his forth Masters Degree.

During all this time, Gerald kept racking up student loans, living off one after another after another. He amassed an amazing 3.7 million dollars worth of student loan debt.   Since he leaves no children, wife or personal property, all of the people he had first listed on his loan forms as guarantors have since passed away, there is no one responsible for this debt.   Loan companies are livid,  John Booker from Sallie-Mae said "This has never happened, he should have come up on our radar, but since he always made small payments there were no red flags.  I feel sorry for our company and it seems, the five other loan companies who are currently in the same boat."

Gerald left a will in which he leaves all his text books to a first come first serve student basis - with a maximum 5 books per person.  He also left instructions for his very specific burial for which he had a pre-paid plot (no doubt bought with loan money.)

We spoke with his girlfriend of 50 years, and all she had to say was this: "Can you blame him? He worked the system perfectly.  We had a wonderful life together.  His biggest regret was never being on Jeopardy."  On his pre-paid head stone will be written. "He lies Gerald Longfellow -  Who was a very smart man?"

Gas Prices Hit All Time High; Expected to Rise

PORT SAINT LUCIE, FL  As gas prices hit an all time high this week, motorists in South Florida are floored.  Amid the tensions and uprisings in the Arab world, especially Lybia, gas prices are expected to rise meteorically.  When questioned "why so high, so fast when there are months of stock pile?",  Oil executive Skid Euler of BP said "Import oil prices are near $150 a barrel! We are trying to cushion the prices as long as we can, but it won't be long before we have to raise the price again."

PSL, FL does not have a public transportation system, and since the towns are spread out, walking is just not an option.  Most neighborhoods don't even have sidewalks even  if they were forced to take a hike to the grocery store for milk it would be dangerous.


Prices are the highest they've ever been. All over the country a gallon of gas may even hit $9.00 by the end of the month.  Even as winter has yet to leave the northern states, sales of bicycles have already surged, and company's are offering compensation to employees who will "share-a-ride" to the office.

Children on Pilgrimage to Sesame Street since 1969 are giving up.

NEW YORK CITY, NY -  Can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?


Apparently the answer is "NO" No one seems to know how to get there.  You are either born or hatched there, have lived there since it was built, or have been magically transported there.  There seems to be a way to leave, but unless you know the secret passage, you can't get back.  Since Sesame Street began in 1969, children and adults alike have been on what is now a life time pilgrimage to the famous street.  Asking of all who will listen, "can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street?"


The group of 52 now full grown adults and their children were last seen in Washington, DC, singing and asking politicians on Capitol Hill "Can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?" Which, to their utter dismay were answered by some: "Sesame Street? Does anyone watch that anymore? I don't think so. Plus, after next year I can tell exactly how to get there...re-runs."


"I can't believe it, after all this time, after all these years, these letters, these numbers, Sesame Street is going away forever?  I never even got there!  So much for sunny days." Cried Hooper, so named as he was born on the day Mr. Hooper died on the Sesame Street. 


As the small group began to disband, a frazzled few men and women in suits approached them with smiles of their worn faces.  "You can't give up now, my friends, Sesame Street needs you more than ever before."
"But what can we do, we've been looking for Sesame street for decades?"
"Sesame Street is a place in your heart, you can go there whenever you want to.  But if you want to save it for your children, and their children, you must keep up your quest.  Tell everyone you meet to tell everyone they know to keep Sesame Street and all of it's friends on PBS.  If you give up, then it will become a street of the past."


And so boys and girls, we leave you with this message.  We can tell you how to get to Sesame Street... call your local congressmen and women, ask them how they got there.  


This article has been brought to you by the letters P, B, and S, and by the numbers 4 and 2 for number of years Sesame Street has been apart of out lives.


Sunny Day
Sweepin' the clouds away
On my way to where the air is sweet

Can you tell me how to get,
How to get to Sesame Street

Come and play
Everything's A-OK
Friendly neighbors there
That's where we meet

Can you tell me how to get
How to get to Sesame Street

It's a magic carpet ride
Every door will open wide
To Happy people like you--
Happy people like
What a beautiful

Sunny Day
Sweepin' the clouds away
On my way to where the air is sweet

Can you tell me how to get,
How to get to Sesame street...
How to get to Sesame Street
How to get to... 

New Contacts Emulate Beer Goggles

 
HOUSTON, TX  After decades of being the ophthalmologist  of choice in Houston and her surrounding counties, Marc Sheer, MD has invented a pair of contacts that emulates the fictional "beer goggles".  The contacts slightly distort the vision in the very center of a persons focal point yet correct the remainder of the spectrum.

"I love these new contacts!" said Heidi Seymore "The new high definition TV we have has made it difficult to watch anything with close-ups.  I hated seeing every pore, every make-up line, and every bit of facial hair.  It's like watching my old TV the people look so much better."

Dr. Sheer has suggested they are not the best for driving, but can easily prescribe a sleek pair of driving glasses to counteract the slight blurring effect.

You can order a pair of "Boggles" at any optometrist with your next scheduled eye exam.

Astronomical Link Found Between World Revolutions

Helsinki, Finland

Astronomers and philosophers from around the world gathered last week in Helsinki, Finland to discuss the current events as foretold in the stars.  With charts, books, computer models, and a bit of gut feelings, they determined the revolutions in our time have been predicted since the beginning of time.  In addition, there is hard evidence that most of the worlds revolutions can be traced back using the same theory.

Astrologically speaking, during the winter months, aside from the constellation Orion, the constellation Taurus is predominant in the sky pulling those born of this sign to a higher awareness.  Men and women born in Late April and earl May may feel a tightening of their chests and a need for change during this time period.  Some believe that it is so powerful, it can incite men and women to do things out of character but what is truly in their hearts. 

A simple example would be a Tauren  who normally would not ask a woman on a date, finds that he is more likely to have the courage to do so in the winter.  It should be noted that the link between a heightened arousal of spirit during these months is also linked to a spike in the birthrate, which can be seen currently.

However, the astrologers are quick to point out, not just any winter.  Every 17th cycle of the passing of Venus as it's rising sign, aligns the planets in such a way that pulls the energy given off of Orion, added to that of Venus and focuses it all at Earth for the season.  This year is one of those years.  As will be in 17 years from this season.

Thus it is so for a few of the following world leaders and philosophers;  finding courage or the drive cause change on a scale larger than themselves in the winter, when Taurus is predominant in the sky. Traced back in increments of 17 years, the following people were pivotal in causing change on a more global scale:


Maximillien Robespierre (1758-1794) is a well know figure from the French revolution, especially remembered as a playing a pivotal role in what is commonly referred to as " The Reign Of Terror."   Max was a Taurus.

Niccolo Machiavelli (1469 - 1527) is remembered for his role during the renaissance. Machiavelli issued an impassioned call for Italian unity, and an end to foreign intervention.  He is quoted as saying  “No enterprise is more likely to succeed than one concealed from the enemy until it is ripe for execution.” Machiavelli was a Taurus.


Adolph Hitler (1899 - 1945) Not saying anything about this dead human other than he was a Taurus.


Hosni Mubarak just happens to be a Taurus, too... just sayin'.



The consensus  amongst the astrologers was this.  Any man, woman or older child born under the Tauren sign, would need great courage and self control during the winter months. 

Republicans Declare War on Men of Reproductive Age

Washington, DC 
While on a political snowball role of cutting programs and redefining a woman's right  from conception to birth, Republican's today have won their first victory regarding men's health.  Based on the idea that each sperm produced by a man is a potential child of God, Republicans have put a ban an masturbation.  "The act of coitus should only be performed when trying to conceive a child" said Representative Harry Chambers (Rep. GA) "Each and every attempt at such Godliness that does not produce a child should be mourned and prayed for." He continued.

"This comes as such a blow to young men just reaching puberty," contested Representative Pearl (Dem. Vt) "I can't believe this has passed as quickly as it did."  "Is nothing sacred?  Does this mean a woman will be mourning every time she has her monthly cycle? Please, this is ridiculous."

President Obama has already promised to veto this bill when it comes across his desk.  What we have to worry about now is what will the Republicans try next, all men and women will be required to have full reproductive organs removed by their 13th birthdays and all children will be conceived via test tube and incubated in a lab?  TXH 1138?