Gay Woman Accuses Catholic Church of Cannibalism

In a bold move to bring attention to the discrepancy and inconsistency in the Catholic Church, Janus Rhye, an otherwise unassuming law abiding Gay woman has accused a Priest of Cannibalism.  "That a Catholic Priest is so outspoken against Gays and Gay marriage as well as Contraception and a woman's right to choose is deplorable" She continued on "especially since, on a weekly basis, commits a taboo and illegal crime of cannibalism as well as brain washing a huge congregation to do that same."

Outraged by her unfounded claims, church members stood outside her home (that she lives in with her partner of 27 years)  with signs like these: 

 "What did that baby killer expect?" A 12 year old said who stood with his 9 year old brother also holding a sign that said "God hates fags."

The accusing letter was written to the editor of the local paper as well as the local Sheriff's office (and can be read unedited HERE) but was not published.  Instead, the editor emailed a copy of the letter to the Priest as well as his wife and went viral from there.  The nicest of all signs read "Pray for Janus, she knows not what she says, the Devil made her do it"

When asked why she wrote the letter, she said simply; "If I can live with cannibals in my backyard, they can live with Gays in theirs.  If they don't bother me, I won't bother them."

When reporters asked the Priest if he wanted to comment, he said  "We would never, have never, and just the accusing idea that we are cannibals is ridiculous.  Our rituals are those passed down from God Himself.  The offering is of the blood and body of Christ our Savior in a sacred ritual blessed by he Himself.  God"

"So," said the reporter, "You are taking an offering of the Blood and Body of Jesus Christ, is that what you just said?"  "Yes, of course." "Isn't it just wine and crackers?  Really, you buy the wine, make the crackers... a little flour, some water...." "Yes and No, it begins as such, but then, through a sacred ritual and blessing, it turns into the Blood and Body..." "Magic, too?" "No." getting agitated, "It is a beautiful ceremony..." "That you turn into a person?" "No, not a person, the son of God" "So...Jesus wasn't a person?"  Then the Priest said "This conversation is over, we would love to have you at services this Sunday when in my sermon we will talk about this further."  And he walked away.

Janus said that she knows this kind of accusation could never and would never hold up in court, but it was merely a way to expose the way a group of people can make each other believe what they want to believe.  "If Catholics want to believe that they can turn wine into Blood, who are we to criticize? If you don't believe it, don't.  Be a Protestant, be a Jew, be whatever you like.  I don't have to believe it if I don't want to either.  Also, I believe that all citizens have the right to marry, to have the right to openly love whomever they wish, that is what I believe.  Others believe it, too.  Just because as a woman I believe I can,and do, love another woman the same as any other woman could love another man doesn't mean you have to believe it.  You just have to accept that it's true.  How can your "smaller government" be trying to impose so many laws that pertain to what happens inside my own home?  Is  that not exactly the opposite of what you are trying to accomplish?"

The protests continue in front of Janus' home.

Let there be Fish!

F is for Fish!


That is all.

Foot Stabbings rise 2000% in Many States

Reports are pouring in from states all over the country especially Florida, Wisconsin and Ohio regarding individuals stabbing themselves in the foot.

Hospitals have had to hire additional staff to keep up with the influx of normally atypical injuries, but with budget cuts, have had people laying on cots in hallways with their feet bolstered up with pillows until they can be seen.

Thanks in part to health care reform, individuals who did not have health insurance will not be turned away.  "Some of these folks would have lost their foot due to infection if they could not be taken care of, and sadly, all of them voted for representatives who then voted against the health care bill - it seems they've seen the light." said Dr. Thicknese Ankles from Mercy General.  "I hope this in an indication that ties have been cut from their Republican parasitic hosts."

"In a way, we hope this influx continues, perhaps the sleeping masses have started to awaken." A Doctor who wishes to remain anonymous fearing his job.  'We will continue to do our best, we always do."

Shape Change of Currency too Expensive " Dept of Treasury"

Since the Americans With Disabilities Act (ADA) was passed in 1990, changes have been made from Disney World, and your car, to elevators, doors, and bank tellers just to name a few.   Though color changes have been happening for some time, that does not help the over 4 million Americans in need of further assistance.

"We have been discriminated against more years than I care to explain, there is no reason why this small concession has not happened yet." Complained Amber Black, a visually impaired member of C.O.D. Change Our Dollars group that has been petitioning for decades. 
  
Just about every other country in the world has had different size bills for decades, the US is one of only countries who has not changed the sizes.  Even as recent as 2009 has legislation dragged it's feet in this situation even though it has already been deemed discriminatory.  Though color changes have been happening for some time, that does not help the over 4 million Americans in need of further assistance.

Richard McMallard a manager in the Dept of Treasury talked to us about this subject.

R&L - It seems like it would be easy to change, why hasn't this happened yet?
RM - True, changes to the currency  have already happened, do you like the state quarters? the New Nickles? The new Pennies?
R&L - Yes, they're fun to collect, but you know that's not what we're talking about.
RM - Ah, the bills, they have changed too.  Now, if you had bad eye sight you can really see the presidents face on the bill! 
R&L - Mr. McMallard, please.
RM -Not only that we hired a famous engraver and added beautiful colors as well.
R&L - Richard, Dick...
RM - Richie, please.  Look, we added the Sacajawea dollar coin, even changed all the vending machines to accept them.  The cost of that change - millions.  And, do any on you have one on you now? Even one?
(Everyone took a minute to look in pockets and purses)
R&L - Um, no. But one of our sons has a few in his collection.  They're just too heavy and pretty to carry around.
RM - Thank you, any other questions? I'm a busy man.
R&L - Just a minute, you never actually answered our question about the sizes of the US paper money denominations.
RM - I thought we went over that. Sorry.  Right, we have many different proposed changes to the size and texture of the new bills, here is the latest:
(He walked us into a small room behind a key coded locked door that said "Authorized personnel Only")
Inside the room was a large Italian man sitting behind a desk, he was playing solitaire on his computer until he saw us. 
RM - Hiya Vinnie, mind if we go in?
Vinnie - (Eyeing each of us) Go ahead, they're still there.
RM - This is where we keep the new bills.
The room was crowded with items on shelves.  An entire shelf of what looked like prohibition era liquor, posters from unions past and present, Photos of what looked like UFO's, and stacks and stacks of binders labeled EPA, Exxon, Bridges & Tolls etc.  It was...a scary place to be.
RM - Vinnie here like to collect...funnny items, and since this job seems to have passed from his father to him, he didn't bother cleaning it out
R&L - The Money?
RM - Yes, it's here.  We have plans to go ahead with size changes just as soon as the money is in the budget for new printing and pressing machines, it's a huge operation, you can't just change plates like we do now.
R&L  - And the money will be added to the budget when?
RM - It was supposed to be 10 years ago, and then 9/11 funds pulled it.
R&L  - And now?
RM - Right, um, Republicans have put a freeze on spending, this got cut as well.
R&L - And the last 10 years?
RM - I wasn't in charge then, sorry.  But I assure you, things will change, here, here's a compilation of what the bills will look like.  You have to go now, thank you.
R&L - Thank you, and...have a good day.
R&L - Wait, Dick..er Richie, this is the new design?  You paid someone to design this?
RM - Yes, A lot of money
R&L - But it's only Photoshopped current currency, no changes at all! We could have done a better job than this!
RM - Put it in writing and give it to my secretary, she'll take care of it.  I really have to go now.


Money, it all comes down to money it seems.  Who has it, who makes is, and who has the right to spend it.  Currently, it seems, it's in good hands - As long as the "bills" are paid.

Woman Tattoos Sextuplets to Tell Them Apart

BIRMINGHAM, AL
A failed apprentice tattoo artist in Alabama who just recently had sextuplets has tattooed her childrens' foreheads.  When approached by both social services and the media as to why she has done such a thing to her precious infants she merely replied "I just couldn't tell them apart, and since they were all crying anyway, I thought it wouldn't hurt."

The woman, who at this interview requested we use the name "Annie S Scratcher"  answered a few questions for us:

R&L - We see you live in a pretty small place, and the babies are in drawers lined with pillows and blankets, do you think this is the best for your children?
ASS -  Sure, why not? They are safe, they ain't goin' anywhere. The dogs ain't even allowed in this room.  Plus a double wide is plenty big for us.
R&L - Besides yourself, who helps you take care of these children?
ASS - Tons of kin come by every day, Bobbie and her kids from the next lot over come in in the mornings, I have my aunts and their kids come in a lunch time, and my husband comes home from work around 5 to help with the evenings.  Not to mention the old folks across the lot check on us every couple of days and count the babies just to make sure we didn't decide to feed them to Allie.
R&L - Allie?
ASS - Yeah, Allie the gator who lives in the pond - it's just a running joke, don't worry.
R&L - OK, so Gators notwithstanding, we have to ask, what the hell were you thinking when you tattooed your poor childrens' foreheads??
ASS - Dam, why is everyone making such a big deal of that, it's tiny dots, like on a pair of dice, so small and in their hair line so when their hair grows in no one will see it.  How is worse than getting a girls ears pierced at this age?  If you ask me, that's cruel.
R&L - You could have put different hats on them, or clothes, or bracelets... any number on non-marring, non-abusive markings.
ASS - I thought I went through this with Social Services already, God dammit, who the hell do you think you are coming into my house...
R&L - Sorry, just what were you thinking?
ASS - If they are all in the clothes God gave them, how the hell am I suppose to tell them apart,  This way, I know exactly.  They will learn their names, and everyone else will know who they are too.  Plus, when I was training to be a tattoo artist I got a machine and just never really used it, it was clean and all just sitting there.
R&L - That's an understatement.  Training?
ASS  - Yep, I was an apprentice at the joint down the street, but I could never get the hang of it, they said it would be better if I chose another career choice.
R&L - Ah, we see.  Well, thank you for your time, gotta run.

And with that, we left.  Quickly.  It is not our place to comment on others living conditions, but as far as the tattooing goes, we were astonished, disgusted, intrigued and frankly - speechless.  It is not up to us to make a judgment call, but certainly our job to report it...to you.

FOLLOW-UP:  Just before this article went to print we found out that Annie's children were being used as pawns in a gambling ring.  Though we don't know the details, we were told it had something to do with pushing the drawers around the floor and seeing which numbers came up.

Lifetime Student dies with 3.7 million dollar Student Debt

It would have been hard to find another single person who was more book smart than Gerald Longfellow B.S., B.A. (4), B.F.A., M.A. (3) M.B.A., Ph.D. (2) (1920 - 2011).  Getting back from WWII Gerald decided he was going to school since working in the kitchen was the last thing he ever wanted to do again.  In 1944 he enrolled in his first degree program, and, in 2009 received his final degree.  When he died in January he was working on his forth Masters Degree.

During all this time, Gerald kept racking up student loans, living off one after another after another. He amassed an amazing 3.7 million dollars worth of student loan debt.   Since he leaves no children, wife or personal property, all of the people he had first listed on his loan forms as guarantors have since passed away, there is no one responsible for this debt.   Loan companies are livid,  John Booker from Sallie-Mae said "This has never happened, he should have come up on our radar, but since he always made small payments there were no red flags.  I feel sorry for our company and it seems, the five other loan companies who are currently in the same boat."

Gerald left a will in which he leaves all his text books to a first come first serve student basis - with a maximum 5 books per person.  He also left instructions for his very specific burial for which he had a pre-paid plot (no doubt bought with loan money.)

We spoke with his girlfriend of 50 years, and all she had to say was this: "Can you blame him? He worked the system perfectly.  We had a wonderful life together.  His biggest regret was never being on Jeopardy."  On his pre-paid head stone will be written. "He lies Gerald Longfellow -  Who was a very smart man?"

Gas Prices Hit All Time High; Expected to Rise

PORT SAINT LUCIE, FL  As gas prices hit an all time high this week, motorists in South Florida are floored.  Amid the tensions and uprisings in the Arab world, especially Lybia, gas prices are expected to rise meteorically.  When questioned "why so high, so fast when there are months of stock pile?",  Oil executive Skid Euler of BP said "Import oil prices are near $150 a barrel! We are trying to cushion the prices as long as we can, but it won't be long before we have to raise the price again."

PSL, FL does not have a public transportation system, and since the towns are spread out, walking is just not an option.  Most neighborhoods don't even have sidewalks even  if they were forced to take a hike to the grocery store for milk it would be dangerous.


Prices are the highest they've ever been. All over the country a gallon of gas may even hit $9.00 by the end of the month.  Even as winter has yet to leave the northern states, sales of bicycles have already surged, and company's are offering compensation to employees who will "share-a-ride" to the office.